If it seems like your teen never comes to you with their problems, your communication style may be partly to blame. Without realizing it, you may be employing negative conversation techniques like lecturing or interrogating. When parents inadvertently invalidate their children’s feelings, they may begin to pull away emotionally. If you want to rebuild trust and open communication with your teen, here are 5 negative conversation habits to avoid.
Lecturing Instead of Listening
Trying to impart wisdom on your teen through a one-sided lecture probably won’t have the intended effect. Teens often interpret well-meaning lectures as judgment or criticism, which puts them on the defensive. Even if your monologue is full of great advice, it will likely go in one ear and out the other!
Understandably, teens want to feel heard and validated by their parents. If you talk over your teen instead of actively listening when they share their problems, your child may feel like you don’t care.
If you’re concerned about your teen’s behavior, the first step is to ask them what’s going on and truly listen. Once you know what’s wrong, whether it’s school stress or problems with friends, you can open up a dialogue about how to solve the problem. Brainstorming potential fixes with your teen will make a bigger, more positive difference than launching into a diatribe.
Invalidating Their Feelings
Teens go through big hormonal changes, which can cause them to overreact emotionally in ways that seem irrational to adults. As a parent, it’s important to put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to remember what it felt like to be a teenager.
While young adults have fewer responsibilities than adults, they still face pressures like bullying, school, stress, social media use, and body image issues. Even seemingly minor problems like arguing with a friend can feel like the end of the world to a teen with limited life experience.
When your child comes to you with a small problem that feels devastating, your first reaction may be to put the issue into perspective. However, that type of reaction can feel invalidating or dismissive to your teen. Instead of minimizing the situation, try to express sympathy instead. Saying “I’m sorry” or “that must’ve been hard for you” will go a long way toward building trust with your teen. You don’t have to join your teen in over-dramatizing or catastrophizing the situation to acknowledge and validate their “big feelings.”
“Because I Said So”
As parents, we’re responsible for our children’s safety. So sometimes we have to make unpopular decisions to safeguard their well-being. Teens who are trying to establish independence may not understand why healthy limits and boundaries are necessary. Your child may not see a problem with staying up late on their phone. But you know they’ll be exhausted the next day, which will affect their school performance.
If your teen doesn’t think a certain rule is necessary, try to explain your reasoning to them. Your child is more likely to follow their curfew, for example, if they understand why you chose that specific time. Avoid using authoritarian phrases like “because I said so” to justify rules to your teen when they question you. This type of language leaves no room for discussion and may confuse and frustrate your child, leading to resentment.
Interrogating
Parents have a biological drive to make sure children are protected and safe at all times, and knowing where they are and with whom is a crucial part of that. Unfortunately, interrogating your teen with rapid-fire questions is not the way to foster open communication. Interrogating your teen can teach him or her to drip-feed you half-truths instead of being open with you.
Your teen may feel the need to hide things from you or spin a story to get your approval. This habit of obscuring the truth could put your teen in potentially dangerous situations, such as sneaking out to go to a party. Instead of interrogating or prying, try asking open-ended questions to foster healthy, honest communication with your teen.
For example, if your child forgets to answer your texts while out with friends, calmly ask them why. Giving them a chance to explain what happened instead of assuming the worst and interrogating them will help foster trust.
Comparing Your Teen to Others
Comparing your teen to their friends or siblings is one of the most efficient ways to shut down a conversation and deter an open dialogue. While you may simply be trying to emphasize your level of concern or disappointment, blunt language can significantly impact kids and teens. Comparing your child to others can reduce their sense of individuality, lower their self-esteem, and introduce frustration.
While other teens may seem wonderful, you have to remember you are likely seeing them on their best behavior. Inadvertently comparing your child to someone they dislike or have disagreements with can lead to resentment and more acts of rebellion.
How do you foster trust and open communication with your teen? Share your tips in the comments!
Vicky Monroe is a freelance personal finance writer who enjoys learning about and discussing the psychology of money. In her free time, she loves to cook and tackle DIY projects.
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