According to recent statistics, about 20% of students ages 12 to 18 have experienced bullying. Taunting, rudeness, and even fighting are all common issues your children may face on the playground or in the cafeteria at some point. How should you advise them to handle these situations to ensure they don’t get emotionally or physically scarred? If your child’s bully tries to instigate a fight, should your child defend themselves or try to run away? Below, we’ll explore whether or not it is ever ok to teach your kids to fight fire with fire.
Studies on Fighting Back Against Bullies Are Mixed
Although all forms of bullying are difficult to deal with, it’s especially hard to teach your child how to deal with a violent bully. The fear of a bully pushing, kicking, or shoving your child at school may make them afraid to attend. Talking to school administrators and working with them to find solutions may help improve the situation. However, many students (roughly 60%) believe that their school isn’t doing enough to stop bullying. If your child is continually targeted and doesn’t think administrators are intervening enough, is it ok to teach them to fight back?
The studies and results on the efficacy of fighting back are mixed. Some studies suggest that defending yourself from a bully by hitting back may prevent future fights. However, other research indicates that victims who fight fire with fire are more likely to be bullied again just six months later. That’s why experts suggest instructing your child to seek help from a friend or adult instead. You can also teach your kids to stand up for themselves verbally during bullying episodes. Addressing the root cause of the bullying, such as a misunderstanding or disagreement, can help prevent future altercations.
Walking Away Isn’t Giving Up
Walking away from a bully to seek help from an adult may feel like giving up. Your child may be worried they’ll be seen as weak if they try to run away. However, it’s important to discuss the benefits of refusing to match the bully’s energy with your child.
Your child is less likely to get in trouble with school administrators if they escape instead of physically engaging the bully. Victims who fight back may receive harsh punishment due to zero-tolerance policies in schools. Even self-defense might count as perpetuating violence and come with steep penalties. Teaching your child non-violent self-defense techniques, such as breakfalls, can help them avoid injury and get away from the bully.
It’s also important to reiterate to your child that walking away is a brave expression of boundaries. Refusing to engage and stooping to the bully’s level shows that your child is mature and above the attacks. Pretending to be unbothered by and indifferent to bullying can actually make your child seem cooler to their peers than getting dragged into fights. Remaining confident and calm can help your child earn respect and rob the bullies of any satisfaction. Once bullies realize your child isn’t an interesting, engaging target, they’ll likely move on.
Self-Defense Outside of School
Unfortunately, playground bullying isn’t the only threat parents have to worry about. The world can be a scary and dangerous place for kids. Sadly, attempted kidnappings and other crimes sometimes occur, and it’s important to teach your child about these realities in an age-appropriate way. Explaining the difference between schoolyard bullies and criminals can help your kids understand why different responses may be needed. Having these tough conversations will prepare your child to handle any risk to their personal safety in the best way possible.
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Vicky Monroe is a freelance personal finance writer who enjoys learning about and discussing the psychology of money. In her free time, she loves to cook and tackle DIY projects.
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