Kids Ain't Cheap

But They Sure Are Worth It

Why Tantrums Are Actually a Good Sign (And How to Respond)

| Leave a Comment

Image by Marco Aurélio Conde

It starts with something small. The wrong color cup, a broken cracker, or the word “no.” Suddenly, your child is red-faced, flailing, and crying like their world is ending. You freeze between frustration and confusion. What happened?

What if we told you tantrums aren’t just normal—they’re actually a good sign? While they may feel disruptive or embarrassing in the moment, tantrums often signal healthy emotional development. Understanding this can shift how you respond and make parenting through these storms far more manageable.

Tantrums Are Emotional Workouts

Just like physical muscles grow through use, emotional regulation grows through struggle. A tantrum is a child’s raw attempt to cope with feelings they don’t yet understand—frustration, disappointment, fear, even hunger. Their brain is still under construction, especially the parts responsible for logic and impulse control.

So when your toddler drops to the floor because they wanted the blue spoon, it’s not about manipulation or misbehavior. It’s about an overwhelmed brain trying to process a big feeling without the tools yet to express it constructively.

This is where tantrums can actually be a sign of progress. They mean your child feels safe enough to let those feelings out. They’re experimenting with boundaries, communication, and independence, aka core parts of growing up.

Connection First, Correction Later

It’s tempting to go straight into discipline mode when a tantrum erupts. But in the height of emotional dysregulation, kids can’t hear logic or correction. They’re too flooded with stress. That’s why a calm, connected response is so effective.

The goal isn’t to “stop” the tantrum but to be a steady presence through it. Get on their level. Use a soft voice. Let them know you see their frustration: “You really wanted that toy. That’s hard.” This doesn’t mean giving in to unreasonable demands. It means validating the feeling behind the meltdown.

Later, once the wave passes, you can talk through what happened. That’s when kids are open to learning better ways to express themselves.

Image by Phil Nguyen

Tantrums Show That They Trust You

Here’s something that might surprise you: kids usually save their biggest meltdowns for the people they feel safest with. It might feel like an insult. Why do they behave for teachers or grandparents but unleash chaos on you?

It’s actually a sign of deep emotional trust. With you, they don’t feel the need to hold it all together. You’re their safe place to fall apart, which speaks volumes about your bond, even if it doesn’t feel like a compliment at the time.

What Triggers Tantrums the Most?

Though tantrums can seem unpredictable, common culprits include hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, transitions, and unmet desires. Many toddlers and young kids simply lack the vocabulary to say, “I’m overwhelmed” or “I don’t want to leave yet.” So they show it the only way they know how.

Being proactive, like offering choices, keeping routines, or giving time warnings before transitions, can help minimize outbursts. But no matter how well you plan, tantrums will still happen. The key is learning how to ride the wave without losing your cool.

Tantrums Don’t Mean You’re a Bad Parent

Let’s get one thing straight: tantrums do not reflect poor parenting. Even the calmest, most consistent caregivers have kids who scream in Target. It doesn’t mean you’re spoiling them, failing them, or raising a future delinquent.

It means your child is going through exactly what they’re supposed to be going through, and you’re right there with them. The fact that you’re looking for thoughtful ways to respond already proves you’re doing the work of a patient, attentive parent.

A Window Into Emotional Growth

Instead of dreading tantrums, try to view them as learning opportunities for your child and for you. Each meltdown is a moment where emotional muscles are being tested and, eventually, strengthened.

As your child learns to name their emotions, use words instead of wails, and accept limits with less protest, you’ll see the fruits of your consistency and connection. But that growth starts with understanding that tantrums aren’t signs of a child who’s broken. They’re signs of a child who’s becoming.

How do you usually respond when your child throws a tantrum? Has your approach changed over time?

Read More:

7 Signs Your Child Is Emotionally Overstimulated, Not Misbehaving

How to Handle Your Child’s Big Emotions Without Yelling

From Chaos to Calm: Strategies for Difficult Toddler Behavior

| Leave a Comment

Toddler yelling while wearing a jacket and hat outdoors.
Image Source: Unsplash

Some days with a toddler feel like living with a tiny whirlwind—one who hurls snack cups, insists pants are optional, and sobs because a banana broke “wrong.” If you’ve ever hidden in the pantry to regroup, you’re not alone. Difficult toddler behavior can upend even the most patient parent, but it doesn’t have to rule your household. With a handful of proven tools, a lot of empathy, and steady consistency, you can guide your child from meltdown to mastery and regain a sense of calm along the way.

Below are five expert-backed strategies that turn daily chaos into teachable moments. Each one is simple enough to start today and powerful enough to transform tomorrow.

1. Set Clear, Positive Expectations

Toddlers spend their days testing cause and effect: What happens if I throw this cup? How loud can I scream before Dad reacts? Vague commands like “Be good” or “Stop it” leave them guessing. Swap those for specific, observable directions:

  • “Food stays on the table.”
  • “Feet stay on the floor.”
  • “We use indoor voices.”

Phrase expectations in the positive—tell your child what to do, not just what not to do. Research shows positive wording reduces stress and helps young children process instructions faster. Post simple picture cues at toddler eye-level (a pair of feet on the floor, a spoon staying in a bowl) to reinforce the message without constant nagging.

Parent shortcut: Before entering a store or restaurant, kneel to eye level and preview 1–2 rules. Toddlers remember better when the information is fresh, short, and interactive (“Can you show me what ‘walking feet’ look like?”).

2. Anchor the Day With Predictable Routines

Imagine an adult schedule that changed hourly with no warning—you’d melt down too. Toddlers crave predictability because it makes their big world feel safe. Establish consistent meal, nap, and bedtime windows; add micro-routines for tricky transitions:

  1. Play → Cleanup song → Snack
  2. Brush teeth → Pick two books → Lights out

Use a visual schedule with photos or drawings: breakfast plate, toy box, bath, pajamas. Point to the next step so your child sees what’s coming instead of feeling blindsided. Stable routines reduce tantrums because children spend less energy fighting the unknown.

Tip for shifts: Life happens—doctor visits, travel, relatives. When routine must change, give a toddler-sized heads-up: “After lunch, Grandma will pick you up. Then we’ll have playground time later.” Even a brief preview lowers anxiety.

3. Lead With Positive Reinforcement

Think of attention as fertilizer: whatever you water grows. If 90 percent of your words focus on whining, throwing, or yelling, guess what behavior blossoms? Flip the script: notice the good—loudly and often.

  • “You shared your blocks. That was kind!”
  • “Thank you for using gentle hands with the cat.”
  • “Wow, you put your shoes on the first time I asked!”

Keep praise immediate and specific; pair it with a smile, high-five, or brief hug. Experts recommend a 4-to-1 ratio of positive to corrective comments for toddlers.

For minor misbehaviors (whining, foot stomping), try planned ignoring. When the unwanted action no longer earns a reaction, it often fades.

Mini-reward system: Place five clothespins on a “Fantastic Day” jar each morning. Each time you catch positive behavior, drop a pin into the jar so your toddler hears the clink. When all pins move, celebrate with a dance party or extra story—no candy needed.

Father and daughter sitting indoors doing a calming hand game.
Image Source: Unsplash

4. Teach Emotional Skills Through Empathy

A toddler’s brain is under construction; the part that controls impulse and language lags behind raw emotion. Meltdowns are often cries for help, not defiance. Start with empathy:

  1. Name the feeling —“You’re mad your tower fell.”
  2. Validate —“It’s okay to feel mad.”
  3. Guide —“Let’s take two big balloon breaths and rebuild.”

Using feeling words builds your child’s vocabulary for self-expression.

Pair that with simple calming tools (blowing bubbles, squeezing a pillow, stomping like dinosaurs) and practice them outside crisis moments so the skills are ready when the storm hits. Children whose parents respond with empathy develop better emotional regulation and fewer behavior problems later (source).

Remember: you’re not indulging bad behavior—you’re teaching a life skill.

5. Sync Up With All Caregivers

Mixed messages confuse toddlers and undercut progress. Share your key phrases, routines, and reward systems with partners, grandparents, babysitters, and daycare teachers:

  • Expectation: “Shoes stay on.”
  • Cue: “Remember, walking feet.”
  • Praise method: high-five + “Great listening!”

Regular 5-minute check-ins (text or voice memo) keep everyone aligned and allow quick tweaks: “Skipping morning nap made bedtime rough. Let’s keep the nap tomorrow.” If your child attends daycare, ask what strategies work there and mirror them at home. Consistency across environments accelerates learning and sparks confidence: rules are clear, adults are united, and the world feels less chaotic.

Keeping Yourself Calm While Teaching Calm

All the strategies above rely on one priceless ingredient—your composure. A dysregulated adult can’t coach regulation in a child. Build tiny self-care pauses into the day: sip water before intervening, breathe while counting to five, tag-team with a partner for a 10-minute reset. Modeling self-control shows your toddler that big feelings are manageable, not dangerous.

From Tantrums to Teach-able Moments

Difficult toddler behavior is normal, temporary, and (believe it or not) an opportunity. When you set clear expectations, ground the day in routine, highlight the positive, teach feelings, and team up with other caregivers, you’re not just surviving; you’re laying foundations for empathy, resilience, and self-discipline. That tiny whirlwind will calm in time, and thanks to your guidance, they’ll emerge ready to navigate the bigger storms life sends their way.

What tactic calmed your latest toddler tornado? Share your wins (and epic fails—we all have them) in the comments. Every story helps another parent feel less alone.

Read More

When Crying Is a Real Problem: 8 Ways to Decide

| Leave a Comment

crying
Image Source: 123rf.com

For babies and children, crying is a natural, regular part of emotional regulation. It’s how they express themselves and communicate their needs and fears to caregivers. However, sometimes crying can become excessive depending on your child’s developmental stage. If the tantrums and tears seem to be never-ending, here are 8 ways to decide if your child’s crying is becoming an issue.

1. Are They Crocodile Tears?

Older children and even toddlers may learn that crying gets them attention or something else they want. Sometimes, kids will use fake crocodile tears to manipulate their caregivers, which may be accompanied by high-pitched whining. Your first instinct may be to scold your child for this behavior to nip it in the bud. However, some experts say that acknowledging their emotions and helping them find a coping strategy (without caving to their demands) is a better way to handle the situation.

2. Duration

It’s normal for kids to cry or have a bit of a meltdown when they’re tired, hungry, or dealing with disappointment. However, pay attention to the duration of your child’s tears. If the crying is ongoing and lasts for hours, it may signal a deeper issue, such as physical pain, illness, or anxiety.

3. Other Symptoms

Kids who are crying due to pain, injury, or illness may exhibit other symptoms. If you’re concerned, be sure to take your child’s temperature and look for physical signs like swelling, rash, vomiting, and changes in eating patterns. If you notice anything out of the ordinary, it may be time for a visit to the doctor.

4. Negative Effects

Excessive crying not only negatively affects your child, but also everyone around them, including siblings and classmates. If your child has a crying problem, they may have trouble making friends or functioning at school. If your child’s teacher gives them a poor progress report due to this behavior, it may be wise to seek outside support. A school counselor or family therapist can work with your child on coping strategies and provide much-needed guidance.

5. Developmental Stage

Each child is unique and develops at a slightly different pace. However, there are generally certain age ranges when kids hit common milestones. Babies and toddlers use crying as a main form of communication, so expect lots of meltdowns. But by age 5 or 6, kids usually gain better emotional regulation skills and cry less frequently.

If your child is still shedding tears and throwing tantrums constantly at this stage, it’s possible that there are underlying problems. Getting a professional opinion can help you determine if your child’s crying is a real issue that requires further intervention.

6. Offering Comfort Doesn’t Work

Usually when a child is upset or disappointed, receiving comfort and validation from a caregiver helps calm them down. Experts suggest acknowledging your child’s feelings and providing a diversion, alternate solution, or calming strategy like mindful breathing. If soothing strategies never seem to work and prolonged crying is the norm, there may be something deeper going on.

7. Repetitive Triggers

Repetitive triggers can also signal that your child’s crying is a real problem. If your child consistently cries during certain activities, such as mealtime or bedtime, there may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. For example, your child may cry during meals if they have sensory issues and are overwhelmed by the smells, tastes, and textures of different foods. Nighttime anxiety or bedwetting could create tantrums before bedtime. If you notice this kind of pattern, working to meet your child’s unaddressed needs could help mitigate the tantrums.

8. Trust Your Gut

If your gut is saying that your child’s crying is a real issue, it’s probably wise to listen to it. You know what’s normal for your child and what’s not. If you detect an unusual change in their behavior, something might be going on. Speaking to experts like your child’s teacher or pediatrician can help you get to the bottom of it.

Read More

How to Handle Your Child’s Big Emotions Without Yelling

| Leave a Comment

A parent calmly comforting a crying child at home. The image illustrates gentle parenting and emotional support during moments of big feelings without resorting to yelling.
Image Source: Unsplash

If you’ve ever faced your child’s meltdown in the cereal aisle or watched them crumble over a broken crayon, you know this truth: big emotions come in small packages. And as parents or caregivers, how we respond in those heated moments can shape the way our children cope with feelings for life. Staying calm isn’t always easy, especially when you’re running on fumes and short on time. The good news? There are practical, gentle ways to teach emotional awareness and foster connection—no yelling required. Here’s how to handle your child’s big emotions with calm, clarity, and confidence.

1. Name the Feeling—Out Loud

Helping your child label their emotions is the first step in emotional regulation. When they hear you say, “You seem really frustrated right now,” it teaches them the words they’ll eventually use on their own. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, modeling this kind of emotional literacy helps kids learn to express themselves more calmly and clearly. The more specific you can be, the better—try naming not just “mad” or “sad,” but “disappointed,” “jealous,” or “nervous.” Remember, you’re not just stopping a tantrum; you’re building lifelong skills.

2. Offer Choices to Reinforce Control

When emotions run high, kids often feel like their world is spiraling. One simple way to ground them is by offering limited, clear choices. Instead of saying, “Stop whining!” you might say, “Would you rather sit on the couch or your bed to calm down?” This approach not only redirects their energy but also gives them a sense of control. The American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes how giving choices during emotional episodes can help children feel safer. Keep the options simple and positive—especially in chaotic moments.

3. Praise the Process, Not Just the Peace

When your child manages to express themselves without screaming or hitting, pause and recognize it. A quick, “I noticed you told me you were upset instead of yelling—that took a lot of control,” can reinforce the behavior you want to see more often. Child development experts note that positive reinforcement goes a long way in encouraging kids to try healthier ways to handle feelings. Think of it like watering seeds: consistent, genuine praise helps grow their confidence and emotional vocabulary.

A frustrated child
Image Source: Unsplash

4. Validate First, Solve Later

It’s tempting to jump straight into fixing mode: “It’s just a toy,” or “You’ll feel better later.” But to your child, the distress is real right now. The Child Mind Institute suggests that validating emotions first helps calm a child’s nervous system and builds trust. Simple statements like “It’s okay to feel sad,” or “That must have been really disappointing for you” show empathy. Once your child feels seen and understood, they’re more receptive to gentle guidance or problem-solving.

5. Stay Calm and Connect Instead of Reacting

Your calm is contagious. Children mirror the emotional tone around them, so if you escalate, they often will too. Peaceful Parent emphasizes that the best way to regulate a child’s emotions is to regulate your own first. Try getting down at their eye level, speaking in a soft voice, and offering a brief moment of connection, like “I’m here. Let’s take a breath together.” In those high-emotion moments, bonding matters more than correcting, and that safe, empathetic space helps your child learn to unwind their feelings.

Empowered Parenting Starts with Empathy

Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence. Each time you choose to listen instead of lecture or connect instead of correct, you’re laying the foundation for lifelong emotional health. These strategies aren’t magic bullets; sometimes yelling still happens, because we’re all human. But the more you practice these calm responses, the more natural they become—just like any other habit. So next time your child’s emotions go into overdrive, take a deep breath, recall these steps, and know you’re guiding them through with love.

How do you help your child work through intense emotions without raising your voice? Share your favorite tips or stories in the comments—we’re all learning together.

Read More

How to Deal with “Mommy, I want…..”

| Leave a Comment

How to react to "mommy, I want"

Image from DeviantArt

There are two times in the whole year when my kids go on a litany of “I want’s”.  These are their birthdays and Christmas.  They tap into the age-old tradition of gift-giving and suddenly they have reams and reams worth of gift suggestions you never knew they even had a clue about until now.  Of course, it doesn’t help that the television flashes ad after ad of all these innovative, new, varied, and expensive toys.  Even my kids, whom I try my very best to raise simply, succumb to the desire to own these toys.   And this is a tough thing to fulfill being a single mom.  But besides that, I really do not believe that they should have everything they want, any time they want it. I think it builds character to wait for a toy, to earn a toy, and to know that sometimes you can’t get the toy.  And I have clinical support for this belief, apparently.

“ Kids who get whatever they want don’t develop the critical life skills of self-discipline” David Walsh, Ph.D.  Author of No: Why Kids- of All Ages- Need to Hear It and Ways Parent Can Say It.

So here are some tips I’ve taken to doing to help my kids learn some self-control, and to save me from the needless and endless expense of too much toy shopping.

1.  Earn your Toy

My 5-year old son really wants a Wii.  Now, where we live, the kids don’t normally have Wii’s or PSP’s.  But my nephew, who is younger incidentally, has a Wii and so my son knows exactly what this is and all the virtual fun it can bring. This is a very expensive toy though and not something I think a 5-year old should have yet.  In fact, I am trying to limit their computer game exposure for the simple reasons that I want them to love reading and playing outside. I believe these activities enrich their minds and bodies.  Reading allows them to stretch their imagination and creativity as well as communication skills because they learn a lot of different vocabulary words from these books. Playing outside will keep them agile, fit, strong, and will build their immune system as well.  It is said  that one of the ways to fight a cold is to get exercise because it is through physical activity that blood circulates and disease fighting cells are made.

So I told him:

That a Wii is an expensive toy that requires some prerequisite behavior.  First, he has to show me he can take care of the toys he currently has meaning putting them away properly after  he plays with them and making sure he doesn’t intentionally break them.  Second, he has to show me that he can stop playing and eat or do his homework when he needs to. Finally, he has to earn the toy through a combination of good behavior and his allowance.  Granted, he has a tiny, tiny allowance, being only 5 years old, but still, it teaches him how to save.

2.  Look at the root of the desire

My daughter likes toys in general but nothing really in particular.  Thankfully, she is growing up fairly satisfied with having one of one kind of toy. This does not include her true favorite which are bags and shoes but that is an entirely different post.  Anyway, because of this, I am surprised when she accosts me with a barrage of toy requests.

This is what I do:

I sit down and listen to her and see if she really wants the toy for the toy itself. She can articulate why she wants the toy if it is really something she wants.  Often it is usually parroting her brother or just the act of collecting things.  If it is the former, then I have to sit down and look at the request.  I have to see that it is age-appropriate and not too expensive.  If it is, then I explain why she can’t have it.  This usually works.  If it is the latter, then I have to redirect her need to collect.  So far, I’ve redirected her efforts towards creating cards from art paper. These she can collect all she wants and all year-round at that!

3. ‘No’ means No.

Sometimes, even the best efforts just fall by the wayside.  These are the times when you have to look for your inner Hercules and stand your ground.  My son keeps going on and on about getting this very expensive train track set that he doesn’t need because he already has 4 others.  So finally I’ve told him that we won’t be getting it because he already has enough train track sets and that our budget would be better spent on something he doesn’t have or in saving for a rainy day. Naturally, he was upset when I told him this.

“Kids this age aren’t developmentally ready to understand that parents make and enforce rules to protect, not punish, them”. Dr. Walsh.

The thing that matters is that the kids see that you have values and that these are important and that you stand by them. These will be the values they will emulate themselves when they grow older.

More Helpful Tips:

1.  Limit TV time.

Like it or not, kids get 80% of their ideas from what they watch on TV. Just as the take in and copy expressions and behavior, so do they take in what consumerism tells them they should want and have.  Limiting TV time or popping in appropriate shows on your DVD will expose them to the good values in these shows and limit all the spending and collecting desires.

2. Explain things Clearly

When my son or daughter wants something, I talk to them about it. I asks them why they want it and I explain why I think it is not a good idea just yet.  My son had adjusted well to this form of communication, so much so that I often hear him telling his play mates why he doesn’t have a certain toy, when he can get it, and all with ease and no acrimony.

3. If you must take them to the mall with you, reserve toy shopping for when they are at the play area or in the library.

Choose your battles. Remember that these are kids and that sometimes, no amount of explanation will calm a child who literally sees the toy of their dreams an arm’s reach away.

These tips have really helped me keep my kids tantrums in check when considering the presents they want this Christmas.  I really think that these also apply to other aspects of life.  It teaches them discipline, control, how to save and budget, and how to handle different, difficult emotions.  If you get around to trying any of the tips, let me know how it goes.

How do you teach “no” to your children?